By Rabbi Dr. James Jacobson-Maisels
“This is the law (Torah): When a person dies in a tent” (Num. 19:14).
How do we want to die? What kind of death do we desire? R. Israel Hopshtein of Koznitz, the Maggid of Koznitz uses death as a way of talking about life and uses two ways of thinking about death as ways of thinking about life.
On the one hand, death is the opposite of life. It is stagnation, resignation, being trapped and frozen, apathy and shutting down. This is the death of self-satisfaction and this is the death of shame and unworthiness. This is the death of pride and this is the death of depression, which is not sadness, which can be a positive spiritual quality, but rather it is what happens when the heart shuts down.
The other form of death is the death that gives life. It is the dying of transformation, the dying into every moment, the dying to who we were and the dying, the letting go, into life. This is the death of the ego-self which is the very stuff of Torah, according to R. Israel’s teaching. It is the sword of the angel of death, the razor sharp insight and clarity that arises when the confusion of the ego fades away. It is that which cuts through our illusions, our false desires; all the ways in which our small wants and fears mislead us. It is the willingness to die a little, to have the ego be challenged, to recognize when we are at fault, to recognize how we have done harm, and to do so without turning it into an opportunity for self-flagellation and so feeding the ego’s story of unworthiness.
This in between place is crucial and it requires us to hold our divinity, beauty and wondrousness, along with our flaws, failings and darkness. We are already divine, but we have not fully realized our divinity yet. Sometimes it is hard for us to see that we are already divine, because we are stuck in shame, guilt, feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt and everything else R. Israel calls the ‘grave.’ These feelings shut us down. They make us passive, hopeless and closed. Those feelings, however, are there — as bizarre as this might sound –to protect us. This is our ego doing the best that it can do for us.
Maybe some part of us thinks that if we beat ourselves up we will start acting ‘the way we need to’ and then make everything safe. Maybe some part of us thinks that if we shut down and become passive we won’t risk the loss, disappointment and pain which comes with trying and failing. Maybe some part of us thinks that if we dull our heart then the terrifying rage, fear, violence or terror that is inside will never be able to come out. Whatever the case, we get stuck, we beat ourselves up, and we shut down.
Sometimes it is hard for us to acknowledge that we are flawed, that we have acted harmfully and that we have made a mistake. Again, we are only trying to protect ourselves. Perhaps we are protecting ourselves from a too painful shattering of our self-image. Perhaps we are protecting ourselves from feeling the pain that made us act in a harmful way. Perhaps we are protecting ourselves from feeling weak or not in control. Whatever the case, we get stuck in pride: brittle, frozen, unwilling to see the truth and unwilling to be vulnerable. The antidote is the release of self that R. Israel teaches here. It is to let go, to stop protecting ourselves. The antidote is to be in that uncomfortable, unstable, in-between place.
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Shemini / Parah
(Shemini: Leviticus 9:1 – 11:47)
(Parshat Parah: Numbers 19:1 – 22)
(read 04.02.2016)
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This teaching is part of the weekly text study program offered by Rav James through the Institute for Jewish Spirituality, Torah Study for the Soul: Pri Ha’Aretz. For previous teachings of Torah Study for the Soul: Pri Haaretz, click here.
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